Yes, it’s sort of unfurling of your cramped up body since you haven’t attended a Pilates class for months cause of the lockdown and you have applied to a million jobs and have gotten NOTHING but REJECTION for OVER A YEAR NOW. And so from the tiny dark place it has been inhabiting for the past month my soul is back in action. I’m getting better and better at this dance each time I go through it. And I’m SO super graceful at it now. This is the third time I’ve been unemployed for over a year within the 30 plus prime years of my working life. So… I have learned over and over again that that when I fall into the Shame Spiral Coma (SSC) of depression and self butchery, when I don’t feel like getting out of bed because what’s the fucking point” When my husband is like “I think you need to leave the house.” and I can’t escape the molasses of self loathing that has been poured all over me. Something always changes. Pretty suddenly usually.
Is this really happening? Within the span of a few weeks I have gone from not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to plan anything because why bother. It doesn’t matter how many times I go through this. It doesn’t matter that I am fully aware of what’s going on now. I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. I am a waste. I am a nothing. It will never get better. Everything sucks. The pain is real every fucking time I fall into the SSC.
But within the span of a few weeks, my husband was offered a job back at his old company in a brand new opportunity. With that, he got compensated extremely well. With that, we are planning on buying a new home because we are in a good position to do so. And that is un-fucking-believable to me. How did that happen? Not only that, we have adopted a cat, neigh kitten really, that has melted all of our hearts. Well maybe not ALL. Our cat & dog are still getting used to the idea. Within 15 minutes of getting him home and having him crawl into my lap, I’m pretty sure my heart exploded. We’ve named him Louie for Armstrong because he was found in Louisiana and my husband and I love New Orleans so much. And if and probably when he curls up and cuddles with either Bill our dog or Johnny his other cat brother from another cat mother, I’ve told my husband that I might just spontaneously combust into a puff of smoke and that my life insurance is up to date. Cause of the cuteness overload. Or I’ll just take one million pictures of them and post to Facebook like I always do.
So yes, within the span of a few weeks, I came out of the SSC. I started going to Pilates again. Which made my body feel better. Which made my mind feel better. My husband and I switched out office at home so he could have a fresh workspace for his new position. I also saged both rooms to get rid of any bad juju that might be lurking around. You just never know. You never know. And this weekend, we’re going to look at what we consider to be “dream homes” for us. Our forever home. We love the place we are in, but it’s on the third floor and after 4 plus years, I am OVER carrying heavy things up 3 flights of stairs. I just can’t anymore. Plus having a senior dog, who has to now wear diapers, travel up and down 3 flights of stairs every time he has to go out is cruel and unusual punishment for everyone involved.
Oh, I also have a job interview this week. I think I’m projecting a serious “Fuck it” aura and therefore attracting positive back into my space. Who knows how this shit works? The Universe is a saucy minx who likes to sometimes really fuck with you. And sometimes likes to give you exactly what you want.
That's What SHE Said 