It’s not physical exhaustion. It’s complete mental exhaustion. As someone who has had anxiety for the better part of 50 years, I’ve learned tips and tricks to quell the rise of fear, anguish and despair when faced with situations that foster anxiety. But I’m so fucking tired and I don’t know how much more I can try to quell, ignore or stamp out. I feel like I’m being punched in the face over and over again and just when I try to stand up and gather my thoughts, I get punched in the face again. My husband found out last week that his position was being eliminated and after over 20 years at his company he’s being let go. So now BOTH of us have been eliminated.
2020, as a year, needs to be beaten to near death with a blunt object and thrown off a cliff onto sharp objects and crashing waves below. This year has given me serious PTSD. Actually, We’re getting hit with TSD instead of PTSD. There is no “Post”. It’s ALL Traumatic Stress Disorder ALL the time. Over and over again. There is no time to mourn, there is no time to catch your breath. Its too much all at once, everyday. Job loss, racism, protests, violence against black lives, TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE DEAD from a virus as our president did nothing, and does nothing to prevent more cases. The bastard won’t even wear a fucking mask. The earth is fucking pissed off as well. The entire West Coast is a portal to the fires of hell. The Gulf Coast is being pounded by storms and flooding. Just when you think you can’t take one more thing, Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies. Notorious RBG. GONE. It hit me so hard I just dropped to my knees sobbing in my kitchen. Hopelessness swallowed me up. My heart hurts.
I’ve been through trauma before and I’ve survived. I mean I’ve been in and out therapy for over 35 years and praise be for modern anxiety medicine and marijuana. I know that there will be light at the end of this tunnel because there was before. I know that I am luckier than most. I’m able to pay my mortgage still and put food on the table. We are healthy. That doesn’t make the shame spiral go away. That doesn’t take away feeling like a waste of space with no purpose.
Then I feel guilty for wanting to catch my breath. To pause, to gather my thoughts on something before I blurt it out unto the internet. Speaking of guilt, I am SO glad my mother is NOT alive right now. Especially with my husband and I both unemployed and the complete shitshow that is our world right now. Somehow all of our problems would make HER seriously sick with anxiety and then she would complain to me, how MY LIFE was making her sick. There would be no motherly guidance. No wisdom and advice. Just bitterness. Such a bitter little pill that one was. Hey! One more thing to be grateful for. She’s dead.
But I digress. We’re sitting on the precipice of this election. I’m not going into this one blind like I did last time; thinking Hills had it won. I fully believe this country could go to war over the results. WHATEVER they may be. Although I love the color red, I’d like to not live in Gilead. Except, what am I thinking, I would SO be a Martha because I basically ovulate sand at this point. Well actually, because I’m writing this blog, they would try to find me, shoot or hang me. Unless I escape to Canada. Sorry I digress again, but it’s hard not to be scattered. I feel nervous, like I have a knife in my chest, scared, sad, grief stricken, sick to my stomach and hopeless. ALL AT ONCE. Every day.
I just know I’m tired of trauma. It needs to stop. We are all going through this. Unfortunately, we’re gonna have to dig deep, gather, and muster the strength. We WILL be facing a huge fight before us no matter the outcome of the election. We have the closest thing to Hitler in office right now and Hitler is about to appoint Goebbels to the Supreme court so he can keep being dictator. I say all this because I really think the more prepared we are for what’s to come, the better. VOTE. March. Breathe. Take care of yourself. Get strong and brace yourself.
If you are digging the artwork throughout this blog post, it’s courtesy of one of my most fabulous friends, Beth Atkins. You can find her super cool stuff at https://www.etsy.com/shop/BuzyBeeHiv
That's What SHE Said 
Another killer post! Yes i am biased because I think you are brilliant – but anyone who doesn’t think that? Well they are just fools!!! I am feeling all of your feels. I don’t think we are alone.
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